Self Centered Anonymous

I’ve had a few people inquire as to why I have not been writing lately. I have a myriad of excuses. I’ve been busy. We got a new computer that I still am adjusting to; I haven’t felt inspired to write. I don’t know what to write about. But I realized this morning that a great deal of the problem is my expectations.

I have begun to actually think I can write and then I began to think everything I write should be good. Good as in accomplished, well written, relevant, and of substance. But the problem is not everything I write is. I remember Anne Lamott saying something to the effect that you have to write poorly in order to write well. That sometimes you just have to get the junk out in order to find what is below. It brings to mind some other things for me as well.

I sometimes begin to think that I am good, good as in kind, loving, morally pure. It amazes me how often I can get in my own way, how often pride can keep me from doing what I should or even want to do. I don’t think I am alone in this struggle with pride, but my struggle is the only one I can speak about with some expertise.

This struggle with self plagues everyone. I was thinking how the church should really be a SCA- self-centered anonymous meeting. We should take turns at the beginning and stand to say- “Hi, I’m Joy and I’m self-centered. I make my decisions based on my welfare, I choose comfort over compassion with regularity, I compare my life with yours, I have difficulty serving and giving unless I logically see your needs as being greater than mine”. (Have you ever noticed “good’ is an “O!” away from being God- for me it’s an O as in O Wow look at me). I could go on but I always have to get to the good news.

The good news is I don’t have to be good. I have to be willing to die to self. I have to be willing to write poorly if that is what is within me to write for that day. I have to be willing to lay down my expectations and look expectantly to my heavenly father for the plan. I have to ask over and over again for God’s help to let me see beyond me. I have to be weak and allow Him to be strong.

So this writing may not be very good, but for today I’m okay with that. It is hopefully not about me anyway.