Free time?

I’ve had a lot of people ask me, “So what are you doing with all your free time?”

This month I have: cleaned out my master bedroom closet, the upstairs hall closet, my youngest daughters closet, rearranged my bedroom completely, cleaned out our office space (toting away 5 garbage bags of what I once thought vital papers), helped my Dad put up framing and sheetrock to form a wall and closet to turn office space into a bedroom for my oldest daughter, painted my middle daughter’s bedroom, primed my older daughter’s new room, have had to wash every sheet, blanket, and pillow in the house at least twice due to a lice scare, had to spend 30 minutes checking each daughters head every night for a week straight, continued with the normal everyday stuff of cooking, vacuuming, and cleaning. I also have tried to write a little something at least a couple of times a week. I volunteered to make 30 bracelets for my bible study group. And I continued my senior citizens class and a class at the dance studio.

I did quit my job the end of December to really spend time in prayer and seek God’s direction. Hmmm. I have spent some time in prayer but I think I’ve spent more time working. Why do I have such a hard time in finding the value of doing nothing? I definitely believe there are times for hard work and a time to push forward, but I think there is also a time to slow down, to reflect, to pause and pray. I suppose I am too influenced by what others will think. When they ask what I have been doing with my time, I want to give them a ‘legitimate’ answer. I’m not sure why praying or meditating would not be ‘legitimate’. Maybe I’m afraid they’ll think I’m all holy and stuff. Maybe they’ll think I’m lazy. Maybe they’ll think I’m crazy. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about what they think.

It’s funny being the mother of middle school girls. You see their need for acceptance, their need for approval from their peers. It’s so obvious and we as adults want to scream, “You are okay. You don’t need them to like you. Stand up for what you believe. Do what is right. Be yourself!” Hmmm. I guess I still have a little middle schooler in me.

So today, this morning, I choose to ignore the primed room that is screaming for paint and spend that time in prayer. I will still go eat lunch with my youngest, because I promised. But I will try to avoid being overly busy, at least for today.

God, help me to slow down and spend a little time with you today. Thanks for the energy this month to get all these things done, but help me not to be so concerned with my list of things to do that I forget my real purpose. I know by slowing down I recognize Your amazing capacity to take care of me. Help me trust more in You. Help me be okay with only You. Help me stand up for what I believe and do what is right. Help me be who You made me.

Move

It may just be the ten years that I spent in the fitness industry, but I think there are many parallels in our physical and spiritual maintenance. I often have people ask me questions about working out, and I also hear the difficulties and struggles people have with sticking to a workout routine or eating properly. I have always been pretty pragmatic in that I really think people should find something they enjoy, preferably with someone they enjoy doing it with, and the follow up will be easier.

If you love music and dancing, I think you should start by trying to find a class that incorporates those elements, and find a friend that likes that too and ask them to join you. If being in the woods really restores you and you look forward to it, again make that part of your routine. You can walk, you can jog, or you can run. If you are a no nonsense kind of person that wants to multitask or get it done quickly, you can figure out which cardio equipment allows you to read while moving your legs, or figure out a 30 minute strength training program that is efficient. I think for a lot of people there is this fear that they are going to do it wrong. Or it just loses its place in our priorities when there are other items vying for our time. Or sometimes it just gets overwhelming. There are 100s of books on ‘this is what you should eat’ or ‘this is how you should work out’. If you are not a ‘gym person’ and you go into a gym there are again 100s of choices of ways to work different muscles- cardio machines, strength machines, free weights, workout balls, bosu balls, steps, etc. You could spend months just researching and trying to figure out what to do. But you would miss the most important part-, which is to simply do something. Move.

Likewise in spiritual disciplines, there are 100s of books. There are 100s of different ways to worship, to serve, to grow. There are different denominations, different styles, and different theologies. I think for a lot of people there is this fear that they are going to do it wrong. Or it just loses its place in our priorities when there are other items vying for our time. Or sometimes it just gets overwhelming. But I wonder if perhaps we sometimes over look the basic premise that God made us and loves us. We can find the things we enjoy and still worship, grow and serve. It’s no secret that I love to sing (whether or not my talent matches that desire is debatable). I find that to be a great way to worship. It ushers me into praying. Journaling is a newer path for me to worship. I have found in the last few years that as I write a letter to God it helps me stay focused and tuned in. Maybe in 5 years I’ll have a different way that is helping me worship. At my church alone there are 100s of serving opportunities from working in the nursery, helping park cars, to foreign mission trips, and everything in between. If you want to grow there are bible studies, pod casts, and a library of books among other resources. I suppose it could be overwhelming to look at all these choices and try to figure out where you fit in. You could spend months just researching and trying to figure out what to do. But you would miss the most important part-, which is to simply do something. Move.

Find something you enjoy, preferably with someone you enjoy doing it with, and the follow up will be easier. As you progress there will be times when you need to challenge yourself with something harder. As you adapt there will be times when you need to not be so comfortable both physically and/or spiritually. That is how you make improvements. But if you have gotten to that point, you’ll be ready for it. You will have reached a plateau where you need more. Until then, just move. Do something.

By the way. I know it's hard. But as I have told my spin classes- we work hard in here so that everything out there is easier. Life is hard so why wouldn't you want to 'train' physically and spiritually for it?

Blessings

As I was enjoying my hot shower today, it made me think what a difference a small temperature adjustment can make. I like my shower really hot- especially in the wintertime. I want it just at that point that if it were any hotter it would be uncomfortable. I sometimes play around with the temperature trying to find that just right spot. When you go too far it burns, but not far enough and it doesn’t quite suit.

That made me think how sometimes there’s just a shade of difference between things that I whine about and things that I consider a blessing.

I got up early this morning to start the rituals. While I got 2 kids to take showers, I went down and started breakfast. I noticed the laundry that had not been folded the night before. I unloaded the dishes. I went back upstairs for the normal grooming of brushing teeth, hair, throwing on sweats. Waking up the 3rd child, I tried to hurry children along as I readied myself, I checked e-mail, then ushered kids downstairs to make sure book bags were packed, hair was brushed, shoes were on, coats at least in hand, breakfast swallowed and then we headed out the door.

I was listening to the radio as I drove kids to school. It was a fairly typical morning for us.

As the news regarding Haiti and the continuing aftershocks came through the news, I really didn’t think too much about it. It has been going on several days. But for some reason in my shower this afternoon, I was reminded what a fabulous morning it would have been for anyone in Haiti, had they been able to join us. The boring routine that I consider redundant was full of delights.

My family was safe in a nice home; we had running water to drink, to bathe in, to wash our clothes, to wash dishes, and to brush our teeth. We picked from a variety of options for breakfast and had choices again about clothing. I have access to communicate and gather information via phones, computers, radios, and TV. In just our typical morning we had innumerous blessings that we repeatedly overlook.

Lord, thank you for the reminder of our many, abundant blessings. Be with the families in Haiti. Be with the rescue workers who are there helping. Strengthen and protect those there. Let your love be evident in the midst of such tragedy.

Self Centered Anonymous

I’ve had a few people inquire as to why I have not been writing lately. I have a myriad of excuses. I’ve been busy. We got a new computer that I still am adjusting to; I haven’t felt inspired to write. I don’t know what to write about. But I realized this morning that a great deal of the problem is my expectations.

I have begun to actually think I can write and then I began to think everything I write should be good. Good as in accomplished, well written, relevant, and of substance. But the problem is not everything I write is. I remember Anne Lamott saying something to the effect that you have to write poorly in order to write well. That sometimes you just have to get the junk out in order to find what is below. It brings to mind some other things for me as well.

I sometimes begin to think that I am good, good as in kind, loving, morally pure. It amazes me how often I can get in my own way, how often pride can keep me from doing what I should or even want to do. I don’t think I am alone in this struggle with pride, but my struggle is the only one I can speak about with some expertise.

This struggle with self plagues everyone. I was thinking how the church should really be a SCA- self-centered anonymous meeting. We should take turns at the beginning and stand to say- “Hi, I’m Joy and I’m self-centered. I make my decisions based on my welfare, I choose comfort over compassion with regularity, I compare my life with yours, I have difficulty serving and giving unless I logically see your needs as being greater than mine”. (Have you ever noticed “good’ is an “O!” away from being God- for me it’s an O as in O Wow look at me). I could go on but I always have to get to the good news.

The good news is I don’t have to be good. I have to be willing to die to self. I have to be willing to write poorly if that is what is within me to write for that day. I have to be willing to lay down my expectations and look expectantly to my heavenly father for the plan. I have to ask over and over again for God’s help to let me see beyond me. I have to be weak and allow Him to be strong.

So this writing may not be very good, but for today I’m okay with that. It is hopefully not about me anyway.

Sing...

Music. I have a long history with music. When I was but a wee babe, my grandma Adams was living with us recuperating from surgery. She was not able to help much around the house so she would often sit and rock me, feeling like it was at least of some help to my mom. I remember her telling me the story of the time my Mom came and asked her, “Can I hold the baby?” and she realized she had been doing all the holding. Anyway, she also told me as I was growing up that even before I could talk when she would rock and sing to me as a baby, I would hum along.

I remember in my childhood sitting on grandma’s front porch discovering the wonders of harmony as I learned my first round. I was fascinated that I could start “Row, row, row your boat” at a different time and it still sounded good. I had to really concentrate so I didn’t slip back into singing along with the other person, but I was so proud when I could do it. My Dad also had an influence in my love of harmonies. He was a member of a southern gospel quartet. On road trips we would sing. Mom sang soprano, Dad sang tenor, and I learned the alto so we could blend.

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like some kind of music. Or for that matter anyone who is not fairly opinionated about the type of music they like. I think, as I have gotten older I have also begun to appreciate more the beautiful interplay of words and music. Lyrics can be so powerful and touch us deeply. I play around with this some myself combining melody and lyrics. I’m always amazed by the creation of a song.

I have been blessed to be a part of our worship team at church. I love the words that proclaim our Lord and Savior. The words that lift up his name and remind us of God’s rightful place as Lord of all. So it with a definite bias that I can’t understand how when I look out at the congregation, there are those who look bored, or sometimes even angry. There are many who seem to be waiting. Maybe they don’t know the song, but the words are on the screen. Maybe someone has told them they can’t sing. Maybe they are having to really concentrate like I did when I first sang “Row, row, row your boat.”

I know that my grandma loved hearing me sing. She didn’t love hearing me sing because I had a beautiful singing voice. She would sit and smile at me as I sang. She loved hearing me sing, because she loved me. Likewise in our praise music I think God loves hearing us sing, not only because we verbally affirm how great and wonderful he is, but also because He loves us. So I encourage you to really notice the lyrics and say them aloud even if you can’t sing them aloud. Try to remember who you are really singing to and just imagine His smile.

Eggs in the Freezer

Yesterday I found eggs in the freezer. I have absolutely no recollection of putting my carton of eggs in the freezer but they were undoubtedly there, and frozen. I find myself noticing little lapses such as this. Words sometimes transpose from my brain to my mouth and until the word comes out I don’t know why I said what I said. Worse is when I don’t notice and my kids tell me what I’ve said. “Are you sure?” I ask skeptically, thinking they misheard or are joking with me. But in the end I watch my confidence in my competence become a little less cocky.

I just read another Timothy Keller book- Counterfeit Gods. I am so thankful that God created smart people that also love him. (I read The Reason for God last year by Mr. Keller, and both are outstanding.) This book talks about the idols that we may have in our lives, both that we are aware of and those more insidious that sneak into our psyche without our awareness. Each chapter made me realize how much I need God. I cannot in my own power and desire to be good overcome desires for love, greed, money, or power that can root their way into our everyday and become normal.

When’s the last time you talked to a neighbor and they were discussing how they really have too much materially? When’s the last time you overheard someone stating that while family is good, God is better? How often do we recognize that our very lives are in God’s hands not our own? I tend to take even the good things that we are blessed with and give them more status, attention, praise, effort than is perhaps necessary.

I think in living our lives on autopilot we find ourselves putting the eggs in the freezer. The eggs now have cracks and are not useful, but it is only an inconvenience. I wonder though what is happening with our spiritual lives as we try to glide through. Some things I may catch, but I imagine there are areas lurking about that aren’t as easily spotted. I can overlook that my desire for security through money is just as harmful as someone else’s overspending. I can overlook that taking on complete responsibility for my children might be as disastrous as leaving them to their own devices. I can overlook the pride in a beautiful appearance that might be as detrimental as being prideful in having an ‘appropriate’ look since both keep me noticing and comparing the outside. Even scarier are perhaps the things we don’t even notice until something or someone points it out. It seems that being a Christian necessitates that our confidence in our competence is a little less cocky.

Salvation while free - costs everything. If I truly want to embrace grace I must realize while it is for me, it is not deserved or earned by me. I must give up anything that prevents me from realizing Christ is the only thing. If I try to do it on my own I’ll just end up with eggs in the freezer.

The Greek Gods Are Alive and Well

The Greek gods are alive and well. That’s the premise of a children’s series that has a new movie coming out later this year. I remember learning all the mythology in school myself. I loved the book Clash of the Titans (the movie not so much). I was fascinated by the stories and thoughts of people believing in and interacting with these gods. Now I am fascinated that most people seem to have come so far as to believe in one God that doesn’t do much or no God at all. But the biggest irony is that many times we are still serving those Greek gods just without the fancy names. When I think of what drives people and what people try to fulfill their lives with, I am reminded of some of those same gods.

Zeus was the all powerful, reigning head of the gods. He represented power with his lightening bolts. Power is a strong desire within our society. It can be seen in corporate boardrooms and government offices, but also more sneakily in PTAs and smaller organizations. You know that person. The one that has to be in charge and needs for everyone to know they are in charge. Usually a high need for acknowledgement accompanies this person so its not just about getting things done, but getting things done in their way so they can receive the credit. Of course it’s not any of us.

Hera was the goddess of marriage, Hestia of hearth and home. A subtler god, because we believe home should give us all ‘warm fuzzies’ right? But when this is your highest priority, when you can no longer focus on anything else but the safety and happiness of your home, marriage and offspring, there is still a shortsightedness and slightly selfish undercurrent. Think of the mother that fails to let her children fail. How can they develop competency and awareness outside of themselves if they are always the focus? Expecting home to always provide what we need is a big and unrealistic demand.

Athena was the goddess of wisdom. Who doesn’t want wisdom? But for some it seems to become an obsession to know more, to be smarter than, and to prove themselves by intellectual pursuit. Ultimately however, no one can know it all. Those who think they do are misguided and irritating (and only funny in TV shows featuring bar banter or when writing short essays).

Aphrodite was the goddess of beauty, love and lust. “Sex sells” ring a bell? The money generated in the name of beauty each year is staggering. Fashions, cosmetics, even plastic surgeries all attest to the desire we have to be desirable. Commercials, billboards, movies- where are the ugly people? Even “pretty is as pretty does” lets us know that ‘pretty’ is important. I think we still might worship beauty a bit.

Dionysus was the god of wine, parties and merriment. “Ain’t lookin for nothing but a good time” was the refrain from an eighties hair band and still rings true for segments of our culture. “Party on dude.”

There were others that would be specific to your situation or career, so while they didn’t have one specific to money, they had gods for medicine, music, harvest, fire, war, hunting, and the sea.

While people came to recognize over time that these stories were just myths, that there was not a Zeus or Poseidon, the desires that had formed and helped create these gods did not go away. The desires still remained without a specific god to call on to address that specific need. The difference is that instead of just asking God to meet these desires, He offers to change the desires. He says let me mold your heart so that you are not always worried about what you have, or what you wear, or your circle of friends and family. He offers to turn us toward a new kind of beauty. A beauty that stems from knowing He loves us. He wants to help us put these desires in the right perspective. Knowing that while each of theses things can be good: power, home, wisdom, beauty, and merriment, none of them are God. None are capable of fulfilling us completely. None are capable of remolding our heart and desires to help us find Truth. I hope we can recognize which gods are alive and well in our own lives so that we can confess them to the one true God, for he is faithful and just to forgive those who call upon his name.

Psalm 139

Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting.

Anxious thoughts… I think God knows all our anxious thoughts, so I find it curious that the psalmist ask Him to ‘test me and know my anxious thoughts’. I think I am the one who becomes more aware of my anxious thoughts during testing: Worries about money, health, children, money, getting things done, ego, money, relationships, future, money, etc. I see so much contradiction in my confessions- I love God, I trust God, Jesus lives in me. If what I confess to be true is true, I must learn to live in that truth. I must learn to love God more than money, health, children, getting things done, ego, relationships, or my future. I must learn to trust God in my money, health, children, getting things done, ego, relationships and my future. Jesus’ influence should be evident in my use of and my priorities of all those things. In these anxious thoughts I see my offensive ways. I see my desire for comfort, for self-preservation, for personal prosperity and peace. Unfortunately I see these things gaining momentum but then I see the hope. “Lead me in the way everlasting”. Lord, thank you that you are beyond what I can see. Thank you for a whole realm of love, that I just get glimpses of. Lead me into thinking more of You and less of me. Lead me into focusing on loving you and loving others. Thank you for providing forgiveness for our selfish propensities and for our anxious thoughts.

Work It Out

A month before Christmas Mackenzie ran up the stairs, saying “Mom, we have to call the Fish- the name today is Brian”. The Fish is a radio station that was running a game where they would select a name each day. If you had that name in your family you could call in to win concert tickets and be entered into a $10,000 drawing. $5000 going to the winner and an additional $5000 going to a charity of the winner’s choosing. So I told her, “Well, you are the lucky one- you call.” And she did, and she won- well technically I won, because she handed the phone to me once connected- because Brian is my brother not hers. I won the concert tickets and was put into a drawing for the big money.

Just days before Grady and I had been discussing a study trip to Israel. He felt that I was supposed to go. And we had been discussing the irrationality of this thought. It wasn’t practical. We would need more time than allotted to save up for it. I was going to be unemployed in another month. While I wanted to go and Grady felt like I should go, we both acknowledged God would have to work it out for me to get there. So we decided to pray about it some more. Then I won the tickets.

For a brief time, I thought about what I would do with the $10,000: Which charities I would donate to- wondered if it could be divided or have to go to just one. I mused that Israel would be a done deal. We would even be able to pay up front for our daughters’ mission trips as well. In living in that in between time of not knowing if I would win, I began to know something as well.

God is not limited to working things out as I plan or have planned. Isn’t that good? When it’s all said and done- it’s all His. He can do with it as He chooses. I realized that He could choose to have me win the radio contest (that would be cool). He could choose to send me a check in the mail through some unforeseen circumstance. I could even find money randomly on the side of the road. The list could go on and on, because God is not limited to my imagination of how He could provide for me. He is bigger, smarter and basically beyond me. So something He is calling me to, He can obviously provide for.

No, I didn’t win the $10,000. While waiting for the announcement I spoke to a gentleman there. I told him of my hope to win so I could go to Israel, but that if I didn’t we would work it out. When I began to walk away, he said, “Sorry you didn’t win, but God will work it out”. Oh the difference! We didn’t work it out- but God did and does. And so He has. My parents had a CD come to maturity, and unbeknownst to me decided in November just to split it among their kids for Christmas. Then an anonymous donor paid for the remainder of my trip. These weren’t even on my radar of thoughts.

Randy Pope says “Attempt something so great for God it is doomed for failure without Him.” Not much of a risk taker, I’ve never been very good at that, but I think this is a start. I wonder how much I might be limiting what God does in my own life by my own lack of faith. We serve a huge, great, mighty, powerful God that for some reason cares about us and for us.

Thank you Lord, and help me continue to attempt what is beyond me for you.