Prone to wander

So, my months are flying by and I am still not sure what this spiritual sabbatical is forming within me. I fluctuate, being wildly productive some days, and other days find me crawling back into my warm cozy bed. I argue with myself, knowing that there is a ‘season for all things’. My emotions run from excitement over fresh breezes blown over my dry spirit, to frustration over what seems like no progress. I fight either staying busy, so it seems that I am doing something, or sleeping, reading or idling my day away. Where is the productivity? What have I accomplished? But is that the point?

I find comfort in the psalms. Not only in the lofty reminders of the great God we serve, but also in the crazy ups and downs of David’s own emotional life. Not exactly ‘steady Eddie’. Yet he was a man after God’s own heart. I would guess there were a lot of fairly boring days out as a shepherd. Of course he had many exciting, daring, scary days as well. And he even had some stupid, irresponsible days.

Of course my real fear is that I’m making this all up on my own. That is wasn’t really God I heard asking me to slow down and take some time, but it was my own thought processes that led me to here. I had a mentor tell me once, that my avoidance to make choices about my major and career choice was simply that I did not want to limit my options. And by choosing a path I would have to eliminate other paths. There is some truth to that. I do like to think I can still do anything I choose. I was very bummed to find out that I can no longer be a secret service person because of my age. I am not saying I want to be a secret service agent (or that God is leading me to be a secret service agent), but it was annoying to find out that they wouldn’t train me, now that I am over 40. So knowing that little insight about myself does make me question this part of my journey and my choices.

BUT, I must remember that I have felt those breezes of God blowing on my hard heart. In the time of quiet, I do turn to Him. Don’t get me wrong, I still also find other things to fill my time. I still manage to avoid the soul searching with cleaning, television, sleeping, e-mails, and reading. There’s a strange awareness that as I realize how much I need Him, I am also realizing how often I avoid Him. Yet, He records my wanderings and even keeps my tears (Psalm 58:6).

As often happens a song comes to mind: “O to grace how great a debtor, 
Daily I’m constrained to be! 
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, 
Bind my wandering heart to Thee. 
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, 
Prone to leave the God I love; 
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
 Seal it for Thy courts above.”

So today I pray for passion for the things that matter, for wisdom to seek and follow Christ, for love for God and others, and for faith that the rest will fall into place.